Mommy. I need 'dis.

"Mommy. I need 'dis." Henry slips a roll of 4 inch wide lime green ribbon into the bottom of Charlie's stroller, super stealthy like.

"Um no, we actually don't need ribbon and also that is called stealing." I put the ribbon back on the shelf. "Let's go find some new paint for you and ViVi."

"I need 'dis?" Henry tilts his head and holds up a sparkly red Christmas ribbon.

"Not yet. Maybe in a few weeks when it's closer to Christmas time." But sorry, probably not because sparkles are the worst.

We head back towards the craft section and on our way Henry grabs no less than 20 items that he "needs." A polka dot mason jar, a giant letter X, a bright pink 3 foot tall Eiffel Tower: "I need 'dis, I need 'dis, I NEED 'dis." 

If you were waiting for the metaphor, I'll cut to the chase here: a toddler in Hobby Lobby is a lot like me in life. Well, and also me in Hobby Lobby. But mainly me in life.

I don't steal ribbon or collect huge Eiffel Tower statues (yet), but I do get caught up in this frantic idea that I need all of the things, all of the time. And as much as consumerism is a problem in my life, I'm not even really talking about that because I think it's just a symptom of a greater disease.

Today I had 3 kids napping at the same time. Violet rarely takes naps anymore so this happens maybe once a week, if I'm lucky. Charlie has been in crazy sleep regression for a few weeks straight and I've been in a fog, starting to feel that inexplicable sadness/hopelessness that can come from built up sleep deprivation. I knew I needed to stop and at least take a power nap this afternoon. I scarfed down some soup while standing at the kitchen island, stole a handful of Halloween candy from my kids baskets,  and went straight up to bed. "Ok. Nap!" I told myself. The quiet felt so good for a minute. I started to doze. Then my phone buzzed with texts. "Well I have to see what that's about." I picked up my phone and as I was responding I caught sight of the stacks of folded laundry covering my floor that needed to be put away. "Ugh.... I'll sleep better if I get that done." I thought. I got up to work on the project. While I was puttering around with piles of laundry, Charlie started to cry so I picked him up and nursed him and while I did that I ordered waterproof mattress covers for the kids beds off of the amazon app, which reminded me that I needed to wash a whole lot of bedding and also clean the dog poop that was crusted in Violet's shoes from trick or treating the day before. When I was done nursing, Charlie fell back asleep and I walked downstairs to take care of the poop shoes. This was a serious situation and no joke took a good 20 minutes of scrubbing. By the time I was done my shirt was covered in tiny, smelly shards of dog poop. I washed my hands thoroughly and threw my shirt in the washing machine which reminded me I needed to start a load of laundry. The dryer was full, which reminded me I needed to fluff the sheets that had been sitting in there wrinkling all day. I couldn't get the smell of poop out of my nostrils so I re-washed my arms and hands and lit every scented candle in the house. The smell of candles reminded me of my trip to Hobby Lobby which reminded me I had bags of crafts that needed to be unloaded from the car. Then Violet woke up. Then Charlie woke up. Then Henry woke up. Buh bye naptime! 

Basically every area of my life feels like the book "If you give a mouse a cookie." And while part of that is just written right there in the "mom" job description, it becomes a problem when I completely lose sight of what it means to rest. 

I'm not talking about 'fake resting.' My wise friend Cathy shared that term with me the other day and it really stuck with me. Fake resting is resting but feeling guilty about it the whole time. Fake resting is texting or responding to emails on our phones when we said we would take a nap. Fake resting is folding laundry and checking things off of our To Do list while we watch our favorite show with a loved one. Fake resting is actually just multitasking and while multitasking is an essential part of our lives as moms and as humans- it is not actually resting. Sorry. This came as a shock to me too. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. 

God carved a whole day of rest out for us and said it was good. A whole day! And while I like the sound of that in theory, when I actually think about what it would look like to TRULY rest for a day, I have a mini panic attack. Do you know how much I would get behind on if I just stopped doing things for a day?! Oh the drama.

The problem with not actually resting in life is that we never really recharge. Something has to give so our productivity drops and, more importantly, our relationships suffer. 

Now I know what you are thinking if you are a parent. You can't just stop completely. Sandwiches need to be made and butts need to be wiped. If our children aren't given food and fresh air and exercise they will cry and scream and swing from the chandeliers in protest (yes, Henry has actually tried that.) 

What I would say to that is that resting isn't as much about what you are doing as it is about truly being in a moment: Taking a walk as a family after dinner. Sprawling out on the floor with your kiddos, building with blocks and asking them intentional questions. Watching your favorite show with your spouse while snuggling with your phones out of reach. Carving out a quiet time where you are completely alone and can read a great book or pray or sing.

There is also no doubt a physical component. We need sleep. We just do. And while there are those magical unicorn people who feel fully recharged on 3 hours of sleep (I've heard this is a thing? It sounds like fable to me), most of us need more. I clearly remember an evening last year when this truth really hit me. I was pregnant, had just gotten over a long bout of bronchitis, and my kids were not sleeping well. I was in a deep depression and could not find my way out. After putting the kids to bed that night I looked at the clock and it was 7:15. I struggle with ever going to bed early because after the crazy hour/dinner/bedtime rush I feel I've earned a few hours where no one needs anything from me, but that night I was weepy and angry and I swear I felt God say to me "GO TO SLEEP." I was too tired to argue so I dragged my pregnant, tired self up the stairs, crawled in bed, and immediately fell asleep. That night everyone slept through and I woke up at 5:30 a.m., before my kids, energized and excited for the day. I felt a rush of mixed emotions that morning when I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd woken up and actually looked forward to my day. We NEED sleep. It's worth it to fight for sleep. For you and for your family.

This year, I want to be intentional about digging into the good stuff instead of living with my head on a swivel, like a toddler at Hobby Lobby. I want to take care of myself well so the people around me aren't getting my frazzled leftovers. I want to fight for sleep, because I was created to need it.

I want to replace "I need this other thing to be fixed/bought/finished/won to be happy" with "I have this already, and it is so good."

Deep breath. 

Xx

kb

Author's Note: If you are reading Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist, this post was clearly inspired by her way more awesome writing/thinking! If you aren't reading it, sheesh! Pick it up already!