Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time watching tiny people
breathe. In and out, in and out. Cheeks pink, breaths slow and even. I grieve, some
days, over all the times I’ve left the room too soon, set them back in their
cribs too quickly, jumpy and edgy over my mental to do list. “This is MY time.” I’d
think. “I need to UTILIZE this quiet. Who knows how long it will last.”
It took until having our third baby to realize how fast it all
goes by. How one minute you are sitting, bleary eyed and cross legged, folding impossibly tiny newborn clothes, and then you blink and your baby is wearing sneakers and
a backpack and waving goodbye as they walk into school. Everyone warns you. “The
days are slow but the years go by so fast.” With great love and wisdom they tell
you that “parenting is the hardest and best thing you’ll ever do.” And they are
right, you can clearly see they were oh so right with the 20/20 vision that is
hindsight. But when you are IN IT, sleep deprived and fumbling to find your
unique stride in a new job that nothing in your life leading up to it has TRULY
equipped you for, it’s hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. It’s
easy to miss out on much of the beauty in it all. I know I often have.
I realized, after I had Charlie, that I had spent much of motherhood
up until that point paralyzed by guilt. John Mayer singing “Am I livin’ it
riii-iiight?” may as well have been on repeat in my home because it’s what was
going on in my brain all day every day. Every day had a hundred choices and no matter
what choice I made, I felt guilty about what I was giving up. When I folded
laundry instead of playing a game with Violet. Guilt. When I sat in the rocking
chair with Henry long after nursing him at night, knowing we still had dinner
to clean up and a toddler to get to bed and hours of laundry to tackle. Guilt.
When I took too long to respond to texts or emails and then forgot. Guilt. When
I spent time responding to texts and emails until I felt a tug on my arm “Stop
looking at your phone, mommy!” GUILT. Guilt. Guilt. Even the smallest choices
in my day were like tiny weights on my shoulders. Am I living it right?
For years I’ve lived in this place of tension and anxiety
without being able to name it. Now it is clear. There’s no one around to give
me an “A” on parenting each day or offer me a promotion for a job well done. I
have an unbelievably encouraging and supportive husband but he’s at work during the day so I feel like he can’t REALLY tell me if I’m getting it right. There’s no
clocking in or out or having time to reflect. For the first time in my life
there was no clear bar, no obvious way to measure if my day was a success. As a
result, everything I did begged the question: Am I living it right?
I frequently waffled between anxiety and depression: Anxiety
when I tried to do too much, desperately grasping to see some tangible “success”
in my days. Depression when I would overcompensate for this anxiety and exhaustion
and shut myself off for a time. “Why can’t I just be NORMAL?” I would often
lament to Ty. “Everyone else seems to be taking this in stride, so busy and
happy and confident in their choices. Why do I so often feel like I am
drowning?”
I realized, this year, that while parenting is HARD, much of
my battle was an internal one. It had way more to do with a lack of confidence
in who God had created me to be and what he was equipping me to do than it did
with any outside circumstances. It was me looking at moms around me who were
doing certain things better and hating myself for those areas I was lacking,
instead of thanking God for the unique ways that he had created me to be the
mother for Violet, Henry, and Charlie. It was focusing on the areas I felt
empty instead of noticing all the ways that God was filling me up to care for
these sweet babies each and every day.
When we live in guilt we are paralyzed. When I’m not secure
in who God has created me to be, all I can do is play the comparison game. All
I can do is listen to harsh internal voices. Living in guilt does not push me
to be better, it stops me dead in my tracks. There’s a better way.
Lately I’ve been changing the way I talk to myself. Instead
of feeling bad about what I am missing, I tell myself why what I’m choosing is
better:
“I am going to go
work out because it is good for me-mentally and physically-and when I come back
I will be a better parent for it.” Or “Ty and I are going to make time to go on
dates every other week because our marriage is a priority and we know that having
our kids see a healthy marriage is important. Violet and Henry might cry when
we leave but THIS IS GOOD.”
(or)
“I am going to sit here and make silly faces at Charlie and kiss his cheeks and smell his head for as long as he’s awake this afternoon because he’s going to be
headed off to school before I know it and I am going to MISS THIS. The dishes
and the laundry are piling up but right now THIS IS BETTER.”
The idea is that I won’t always have to coach myself through
every decision I make in life. But what I’m realizing is that if I want to
really be present with my family in a genuine way, I have to let go of the
voices in my head that have long told me that whatever I’m doing isn’t enough.
I need to relearn how to speak to myself so I don’t look back with regret over
how much sweetness I missed while I was busy berating myself. I have to accept
the Grace that has been given to me in Christ, instead of turning up my nose at
it like I somehow know better.
I’ve also realize that this new way of thinking must go hand
in hand with prayer: Thanking God all throughout the day and then thanking him
again when my head hits the pillow at night. Being specific with my gratitude,
confident that he hears my prayers and loves them. Asking him to help me in
the areas where I feel am weak or lacking. Asking for clarity in the seasons
when I am confused or lost. Confidence in Christ only comes from knowing Christ
and the only way to know someone is to spend time with them. More important
than anything else I do as a parent is that I do not neglect the relationship I
am able to have with my Creator.
If you are struggling with a burden today, parenting or
otherwise, I pray that you would feel the freedom that is offered in Christ. I
pray that he would give you confidence and boldness in whatever task is before
you. I pray that He would remind you, now and for the rest of your life, that
you were created with endless love and great intentionality.
You are LOVED! And knowing that is the first and most important step to living it rii---iiight. (Is that song stuck in your head yet?!)
Xx
kb
