"And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
When I was 3 years old, my mom got sick. When I was 3 years old, the most energetic, positive person on the planet was suddenly struck with crippling fatigue and a broken immune system. She saw specialist after specialist and was eventually diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. She tried everything to get better: studies at Mayo Clinic, regimented diets, cutting out gluten and sugar before cutting out gluten and sugar was a thing. She would take long walks every day that she could muster up the energy for the endorphins and while physically she looked like she was in the best shape of her life, inside she was fighting a daily battle with debilitating illness.
Dinner plans with friends one evening and she might not be able to get out of bed for days. One of my out of town soccer tournaments on a weekend and she could very easily be sick for weeks. Every day she had to make choices about what to expend her small stores of energy on, had to cancel plans, had to carve out sufficient time to sleep... For a true energizer bunny like my mother there could be no worse fate. This was a woman who would instinctively hop on the exercise bike while watching a movie on a Friday night because she couldn't stand to sit still for more then a minute. This was a woman who was captain of her cheerleading squad, a model student, who graduated from the Fashion Institute in NYC and went on to be the VP and district manager of numerous women's clothing stores in the Midwest before she was 30. She was driven and positive and had never even sniffed at anything that looked like illness or depression for her entire life.
I can tell you from experience that someone like this does not choose to be sick. They do not choose their diagnosis.
Years after the CFS diagnosis, a specialist in Pennsylvania discovered that the true cause of my mom's symptoms was chronic Lyme disease.
A lot of people still don't know much about chronic Lyme and for the 10+ years my mom thought she had chronic fatigue symptom, many didn't believe CFS was a real thing either. She was suffering daily from not only chronic physical and emotional pain, but also the
horrible sense that some around her didn't "buy it."
Watching the trajectory of my mom's life, knowing her character in a way that only a daughter can.. I have never had a doubt in my mind about her illness. When I hear people talk about chronic illnesses as imagined or easily fixed with the proper treatment, diet or exercise, I can immediately feel hot anger building in my chest. Sometimes this is the case, but not everyone is so lucky.
People who make sweeping statements like this are simplifying a complex problem, usually because they've read some articles on the subject or known someone who's symptoms were psychosomatic (or perceived to be psychosomatic). Having lived the horrors of Lyme with my mother and watched her 25+ year battle for health I know that there is so much more to the story.
I must admit that, before this week, I hadn't spent a significant amount of time thinking about the unique challenges a black person in America faces on a daily basis. I hadn't really considered what the mother of a young black man feels when her baby boy pulls out of the driveway for the first time with a new license. Every mother fears this day, but for the mother of a son who is not white, this emotion is undeniably heightened. How could it not be? We've come a long way in our country but we can't possibly ignore that there are still many in America with racist beliefs.
Before this week, I had never truly considered what a black man experiences when he sees lights flashing behind his car, having had experiences with discrimination his whole life and heard stories of police brutality, uncertain if the officer behind him is one of the good guys. I couldn't fathom what it must have felt like for countless black men across the country to watch a video of a brother being gunned down at point blank range, to hold their wives and their babies extra close each night thinking "that could have been me."
I must admit that, before this week, I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about how the spouses and children of police officers feel when their beloved leave the house each morning, when they gear up to serve and protect at a protest or even on a typical Wednesday in a neighborhood where crime rates are high or cop killings are frequent. I couldn't begin to imagine the fear of walking up to vehicles every single day, not knowing if the drivers of those vehicles are armed or mentally stable... seeing numerous friends die in the line of duty, hugging their spouses and babies extra close each night thinking "that could have been me."
It is so easy to dismiss the pains and fears that are not our own. In fact, defensiveness and dismissal are most often forms of self preservation. It is a heavy burden to bear the sorrows of others on top of our own. Ignorance is easier.
It is also fairly easy to be empathetic towards the people that we can relate to. In supporting them we are essentially supporting our own human experience. This isn't to say that shared experiences and sorrows are ingenuine, they are in fact one of the greatest blessings we have in this life... to look a brother or sister in the eyes and be able to say "me too" is a beautiful gift.
The point here is that there is another kind of empathy we must possess that is far more challenging and equally important: I'll call this "intentional empathy."
This "intentional empathy" comes more naturally for some than others, but I think like any habit it can be practiced and cultivated, and needs to be if we are to live full and genuine and peaceful lives. This empathy goes beyond the knee jerk reaction we have when reading an article or Facebook post and feeling affirmed in what we already believe to be true. This empathy is quick to listen and slow to speak. This empathy seeks first to understand and then to be understood.
I come from a family that loves to debate the issues around the dinner table, but frankly in my almost 30 years of life I've never seen anyone's beliefs changed in a heated debate. Real understanding comes when we are willing to--as objectively as possible--step inside someone else's perspective and offer genuine compassion.
This is certainly not to say that we should abandon our core beliefs for every other belief system out there, or that there isn't absolute truth; Sometimes people are right in their beliefs. Sometimes they are dead wrong. Often beliefs fall in a gray area that is a mix of truth and lies and a lifetime of shaping experiences.
What this is to say is that we are not and cannot be impartial judges. The media, our personal experiences, our own ignorance, even the data... These things can all be like wolves in sheep's clothing.. Promising objectivity about the issues but so often riddled with lies or only offering a small piece of the picture.
The fact is, we are all looking at life through our own foggy lens, whether we'd like to admit it or not.
So maybe the point here is that we need to stop trying to be judges all together. Often, on our personal quests for what we feel is justice, we at some point forget about the unique, complex people involved and simplify the issues in an attempt to win arguments; we substitute grace with snap judgements about our brothers and our sisters. We fight stereotypes with new stereotypes and, in doing so, actually perpetuate a cycle of injustice.
In Jesus' time on earth as a man, he did not shy away from pointing out injustices or wrong doing, but he also reminded us that not one of us is ever righteous enough to cast the first stone. He offered compassion and forgiveness for those in society whom the masses were set against. Even as the son of God, with a perfect view of hope and eternity and love, Jesus wept with those who wept. He knew better than anyone else that this life would be like a small breath compared to eternity, and yet he didn't let that stop him from feeling the emotion of people who were experiencing searing loss in their short time on this earth.
Jesus also didn't leave us in our sorrows. He reminded us that:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
It has been a heartbreaking week (and let's face it, year/years/lifetime) to witness the brokenness in and around us, but I am finding hope in a God whose grace is abundant and endless. I am finding hope in the stories of countless people offering His grace and compassion to their neighbors, flickering like tiny candles on a dark night.
Today I am praying that tragedy would soften our hearts instead of harden them and holding on to the promises of God and the beautiful truth that when a light shines in the darkness, no darkness can overcome it. (John 1:5)
Love and Grace,
kb
