Perfect Love

"Our whole business in this world is to restore to health the eye of the heart whereby God may be seen."

-St. Augustine

I don't usually set New Years resolutions (per a somewhat depressing track record), but this year in our small group we were encouraged to set a goal for our spiritual walk. I knew right away what my goal should be. It nagged at me every day. "Wake up before your kids do each morning and spend time in the presence of God." 

As far as goals go, this one is pretty benign, right? I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m., get up, make some coffee, and start my day from a place of peace instead of chaos. Sounds heavenly really.

But here we are, a month into my goal setting, and this has happened exactly once. Kind of... That day I hit snooze until 6 a.m. and the kids woke up 5 minutes into my quiet time. Another day I woke up early with the best intentions but started putting dishes away and got distracted with chores until I realized it was light outside and Henry was screaming "Mammaaaa! Hungry!!!" from his crib. 

Since that time, he has learned to safely climb out of his bed on his own which, as you can imagine, has set off a whole new chain of interesting and wonderful challenges in our household. This morning, for example, he woke up at 3:30 a.m., bright eyed and bushy tailed, screaming that he wanted to "GO PLAY!! PLAAAAAAY!" 

Of course. Why wouldn't you wake up at 3:30 a.m. thinking about Legos? 

It is now 7:15 a.m. and here we all are, still wide awake. Lord help me today. My alarm went off at 5:30 for quiet time but at that point our house had been anything but quiet for the last 2 hours.

This morning I decided I wasn't going to abandon my quiet time all together since I couldn't do it "just so," so while Henry played with trains and Vi watched an episode of The Magic School Bus, I pulled out Jesus Calling and flipped to a few of the dates I had missed this week. February 7 says this:

"Come to me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life." 

I love that. "Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion." Isn't shame what is holding so many of us back every single day? I'll speak for myself.. I fear failure, I fear others seeing my weaknesses... Gosh, I fear people knowing how much I am controlled by my fears! 

I forget, in my frenzy to get things "perfect", that God does not dole out love and acceptance the way the world does. His love is free and abundant and endless, and not based on my striving... or my failing. It just IS. 

I know that word perfectionism is often over-used, worn like a badge of honor. But if I've learned anything in 29 years of obsessively trying to get things right it's that (worldly) perfectionism is anything but honorable. In the end, no matter how layered or veiled it is behind good deeds and good habits, perfectionism is about prioritizing self-image above everything else. It is selfish. It's an addiction and while it may feel good for awhile, might even offer some great highs... it is ultimately crippling and will always leave you wanting. 

I would argue that we all struggle with perfectionism, in our own unique way/s. We have each grown to place value on different things and therefore each have different requirements for our ideal self-image to remain intact. Some "perfectionists" have more classic traits, but not one of us is fighting an easy battle. 

We cope with it differently. Some quit before they can fail, some obsess until they get it right, some mask feelings of inadequacy with other addictions. 

What starting my day meditating on God has done for me in seasons where I have been more disciplined is shut off my autopilot. It resets my mind to seek a different kind of Perfection. It is not a worldly perfection driven by pride, or shame. It is the ultimate Perfection that we were created for, which is to love and know God, and to love and know his children.

I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to be great at things. We've all been given unique and wonderful talents which we absolutely should utilize and multiply! As with just about everything in life, it all goes back to the motive. 

If we aren't ever quiet, if we don't ever listen... how will we ever truly know our own hearts?

This year my only resolution is to make space every day to be silent and to listen to God. If you aren't doing this already, I would love for you to join me in this journey!

Happy Valentines Day! You are Loved!

kb

*Author's note: The morning after I wrote a draft of this post, I had my first successful quiet time in a long time. When the kids woke up, a copy of Jesus Calling was still on the sofa. Violet brought it to me, opened to June 5, and asked me to read that page. Here is what it said:

"Remember that you live in a fallen world: an abnormal world tainted by sin. Much frustration and failure result from your seeking perfection in this life. There is nothing perfect in this world except Me. That is why closeness with Me satisfies deep yearnings and fills you with Joy.

I have planted longing for perfection in every human heart. This is a good desire, which I alone can fulfill. But most people seek fulfillment in other people and earthly pleasures or achievements. Thus they create idols, before which they bow down. (...) Make Me the deepest desire of your heart. Let Me fulfill your yearning for perfection. 

Sweet little Valentines